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Closet Monsters

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13th June 2006

scarlett_sappho3:53pm: intro to community
Basically I'm a 22 year old female, living in London. Up until now I've identified as bisexual but recently I've been slowly realising/coming to terms with the idea that I might actually be a lesbian. I'd say I'm 99% attracted to women and 1% unsure, but I've never had any significant relationships with women, though I have had a few flings or one-night-stands in the past. This wouldn't be a problem if things were different. I'm not the kind of person to hide in the closet...but nearly 2 years ago I married a man. Maybe I was too young to make that decision. I was 19 when I got engaged and my husband is significantly older than I am. I know I love my husband, but just what kind of love I have for him is something I struggle with coming to terms with every day.
I think maybe this is what happens when a young girl with little experience who doesn't know herself very well makes a decision without exploring all her options...I don't want to get a divorce at this point, but I don't know what the ultimate resolution will be.

I'm still confused and still searching for the real me. I'm unsure about many things but I am sure about one thing: I am attracted to women, and have been since I was a kid. What this means for me or my future I don't know.
Maybe I'll be able to accept that I am attracted to both men and women, but be comfortable with knowing I won't be with another woman for the rest of my life...who knows.

How I feel right now? I sometimes wish our relationship was a bit more open...
Current Mood: calm before the storm

4th October 2005

justapieceofme5:26pm: LBT Takeover
**Note: posted to every gay-realted community I'm in. If you feel it's inapproproiate, delete away**

Well, as many of you know, this past weekend was Gay Days at Disneyland and Disney's California Adventure. While I couldn't go to the evnt, I did work both days and walked the park a bit before and after work, and I've gotta say, I could not be more disappointed. This was for a variety of reasons, but here's my number-one issue: rather than a park full of my "family," I saw a park full of middle aged gay men. Where were the lesbians? The bisexuals? The transpeaople? Granted, I work at Hungry Bear, home of the "bear lover" meet-up, but still. I literally saw less than 5 red-shirt-clad women the entire weekend. Those I did were in their 40s. I began to realize that, despite having one meet-up a day specifically for women and a couple for youth, these men are the people Gay Days really target. And, for a 19-year-old dyke hoping to meet others like herself, this is damned disappointing.

So I'm proposing that we stage an LBT takeover. Either at next years' Gay Days or (this is my preference, especially because I don't feel like waiting another whole year after spending the whole last year looking forward to this), on our own day. Which is not to say your average, everyday gay man can't come, but this is not targeted at them. Just like we can come to Gay Days, but it's not targeted at us. Hell, we could even give the guys a little meet-up.

So, who's with me?

Official site for Anaheim Gay Days is here.

X-posted like crazy.

14th February 2005

girlpower4me3:46pm: Hello... Could I put this here?
I wrote a story for someone I care about very much, and I wanted to put it somewhere where people could see it. People who might understand and be sympathetic. Would this be such a place?

Love Note for a FriendCollapse )

7th February 2005

misery_chick9:55pm: Icons!
I promised to do this a long time ago, and tonight I had the time and leisure to do them. There are six of them, and as this is a free account there's only the possibility to save three of them. This means: Poll time.

Everyone's got 3 votes:

Cut for the pollCollapse )

Also you've still got some time on your hands to vote on the banner if you haven't done already!
Current Mood: accomplished

11th January 2005

misery_chick8:38pm: Community Banners
For those who saw centeruniverse's entry here I'll just copy and paste it, so that her message isn't lost if she decides to delete her entry, but I can use my paid account to make a nice clicky poll. So the result will be nicely visualized :-)

So, people, it's been a bit quiet in this closet lately...let's spice it up with a competition between two absolutely awesome banners made by our very own misery_chick!!

The most important question you'll answer todayCollapse )

Vote for your favorite! The winner will be posted within a week, and you all can spam your flist with it!

Poll #416637 Community Banner

Which one's your favourite?

Option 1
Option 2

[EDIT] I really hope it works that all community members can vote, but only those. If anyone cannot vote please leave a comment and I'll change something [/EDIT]
centeruniverse11:12am: Community Banner
The most important question you'll answer today...Collapse )
Current Mood: excited

16th December 2004

lady_phoenixice7:25pm: Please read this and if you are as upset about it as I, and a few of my friends were/are, please sign this petition.

15th October 2004

misery_chick7:02pm: Because here isn't much going on lately
According to centeruniverse's rec I'm reading The Ethical Slut at the moment. And I have to say that I like it. It took me some time to get the authors, but now it's really interesting.

Anyways, on page 105 there is a chart that I copied for you. The part is described in the book like:
We have also included [...] and inventory of sexual activities. Try filling it out and see what you learn about yourself. You can make copies to share with your friends as an ice-breaker for a discussion group or for negotiating sexual encounter. We made the boxes as big as possible so you can make comments about how you feel, which tends to be more informative than simple yes or no.

Offered possible responses are:
~ yuck!
~ hmmm...
~ !!!
~ Ouch!
~ ???
~ Eeek!
~ HOT!!!
~ Scary
~ Hmmm...

Don't get me wrong, I don't want you to fill it out and post it here or something, I just wanted to offer you the opportunity to learn something about yourself and/ or your partner.

A cut because it's a huge sheet of paperCollapse )

Forgive me if there are any typos... And if you want me to send you the Word Document, just comment with e-mail addy :-)
Current Mood: busy

2nd October 2004

centeruniverse8:06pm: Thoughts on Bisexuality
I gave this advice to someone in the closetedyouth community, and I thought it was relevant here as well. Plus, there's been very little activity here lately...

Well, the general message from both the straight and the gay communities is that you have to choose. They say you must pick one or the other, you can't like both at once, and if you can't pick, you're just pretending because you don't want to make a difficult decision (straight people say bi people are just "gay people who can't admit they're gay", while gay people say bi people are "straight people who want to pretend to be gay" or variations thereof). I have many gay friends who will remark, on a regular basis and in my hearing, that bisexuality doesn't actually exist at all. And in an environment like that, it's no wonder that you'd be confused and that you'd have a hard time choosing.

The problem is, they're wrong.

You don't have to like boys and girls equally, you don't have to be indifferent to the differences between them to be bisexual. You could have a 99% preference for men, but as long as you could also see yourself happily in love with a woman, I would consider you bisexual.

Actually, most bisexuals do have a preference. I'm pretty rare in that I don't. I'm called a 50/50. Most people lean towards one or the other.

The reason I'm so adamant about this is because I also had a hard time figuring out my sexuality. It took me about 3 years, actually. And that whole time, I kept looking around me and wondering, "Am I straight and just kidding myself that I find girls attractive because I think it's 'cool' to be gay? Or am I really gay and just kidding myself about finding men attractive because I don't want to go through the hardships of being gay? Am I one of those people who say that they fully support a gay lifestyle, but then hastily add that they themselves are not gay?" I honestly couldn't figure out which gender I liked better, which at one point convinced me that I wasn't sexually attracted to either (it's hard to know where the bar of sexual attraction is if you don't really have anything to compare it to). I considered the idea that I might be asexual before I considered the idea of bisexuality.

Basically, what that boils down to now is that every time someone tells me about a situation such as the one you're in, I tend to say, "Have you considered the possibility that you're bi?" I think if someone had asked me that, my struggle would have been a lot easier.
Current Mood: cranky

10th September 2004

j_mcfaggot1:10am: Hi
Typical first entry here...

My name is Jeremy, I'm Irish-American, and I'm (out of the closet) gay. I didn't even really know I was gay until I was 22 - I was in denial for a while, not because I wasn't accepting, but because my family wasn't. In fact, since I came out to them about 5 years ago, I haven't spoken to my step-father at all (my mother still speaks to me, but ignores the fact that I've had boyfriends and keeps asking me when she's going to get grandbabies).

I live in New York City at the moment but I'm not originally from here -- I was born in Dublin, Ireland, then we moved to California when I was eight, and since I was 21 I've been bouncing around the US. I've been here for almost two years.

Anyway, I hope to make some good friends, and maybe since I'm a little older and I've been through quite a bit, I can offer some helpful advice and an ear to listen.

Feel free to add me, and I'll add you in return!
Current Mood: cheerful

7th September 2004

centeruniverse10:17pm: Another book review
Because, quite frankly, this community feels like it's dying, and I don't have anything else to post. Please, tell your friends (or if you're just lurking, join/post/comment)!

That being said, I actually do have something relevant to the community.

Deliver Us From Evie by M. E. Kerr

It's a book about a very butch lesbian in a hick town in Missouri. The twist, though, is that the book is told from her younger brother's point of view, and mainly deals with how her orientation affected him. I thought it was extremely well written and very insightful...perhaps a good read for people who have come out of the closet and don't understand why everyone else is having a hard time. I also think straight people would enjoy it, though.

The book is pretty short (177 pages) and a very quick read, but I think it would be a good way to fill a quiet afternoon. Or, if you read a little slower than I do (because I read fairly quickly) a little more than that. But still ultimately worth the time.

Anyway, I can't think of much else to say about it right now (perhaps because I'm very, very tired) but I do recommend it. If you read it, let me know what you think.
Current Mood: sick

27th August 2004

insanedeity3:56am: Intro which seeks input

Hi everyone,

I found this group cruising livejournal the other night, and it seemed like a place to get some outside perspective/feed back. 

I'm a 23 year old lesbian, just finally working my way out of the closet.  Things have gone well so far.  No surprises, no ugliness.  My friends have all been wonderful to me.  I am however about to have to tell my parents, as I am creating a theatre piece as a Senior Project to graduate college.  It is centered around the themes of denial, realization and coping.  Being gay is a huge component of that story. 

My father is the bulk of my financial support, still being in school.  I don't anticipate will take it too well of the bat, but I have had to gauge him in similar reactions.  He'll settle down to it.  The real impending crisis is with my mother.  I have live with her, and her home is where most of my close friends are located.  We have a difficult realationship at best.  She was raised in the 1950's and is very preoccupied with apperances, and what is proper.  I have spent a lot of time throwing that in her face.  Largely as it is an outdated way to think.  However, the real crux of this is that I am 97% sure my mother is a DEEPLY in denial lesbian herself.  I say this because we are exactly alike when it comes to our affectionate (not really the right term, but sexual is way too strong) behaviors.  And I am sure as hell not straight.  Everyone I have proposed this theory to, agrees with me on it.  I am really worried that she is going to go ballistic when I tell her about myself (I have no intention of telling her my suspicions about her)  She has in the past made my life very hostile and unpleasent and is capable of returning to that. 

Does anyone have thoughts?  any relevant experience?  ways to help diffuse this situation?  I've tried to be brief(ish) but thorough.  Ask any other questions if you feel the need.  Thank you for any input you may have. 

Current Mood: pensive

20th August 2004

misery_chick3:16pm: Hey everyone,
this is no real problem, but I'd like to hear your opinions about it.

I'm living in a house with only two flats - mine under the roof and my hirer's (?right word?) downstairs.
My hirers are a married couple of about 60, and they built the house together about 20 years ago. Now they want to sell it.
I'm not sure if I will be able to keep on living here with a new hirer, if the rent rises or he/she does not want me to live in here anymore I'd have to move.
I talked to Sebastian, my boyfriend, on the phone about it, and he said that we could find a new flat. When I asked "For me or for us?" he said both of us should think about it, and decide later.
Sebastian and I talked about moving together before. And it was certain that if I leave my flat it is to move together.
I know that it's not at all certain that I have to move, but I don't know for certain if it's a good idea to move together. We're a couple for 8 months now, I really love him, I really like being with him every minute, and we've spent a lot of time together. And I really think I can live with him, but for that aspect: I was sure I could live together with my ex boyfriend, and the year I lived in his flat was terrible. But he was a different person, and I get along with Sebastian a lot better than I ever did with my ex.

So, what do you think? It is certain that the house will be sold, tonight a couple will come to look at it (including my flat), it is not certain that I have to leave, though. But if it comes to me leaving: should I move into a new flat all by myself, or should we move together (also into a new flat, as we've already talked about)

I see that's no real problem, but it's something that makes me wonder since my hirer told me that he would sell the house.
Current Mood: thoughtful

Hey, I just joined this community. I thought I would introduce myself. I am a 26 year old woman. I am married, but totally in the closet bisexual. Lately I have been thinking non stop about one of my best friends, and this weekend I think she hit on me pretty hardcore, but I just chickened out so bad, and I was not even sure she was hitting on me! She is married too. We both are americans in sweden.

So I just thought I would post here and maybe make a friend or two that I can actually talk to. Hi everyone!

19th August 2004

kiwithealmighty8:52am: PolyAmory
In the end it all depends on the people. IF 2 people love eachother enough and are comfortable enough with eachother to love others as well then party on. Personally, I think i could be poly but only with certain people and definatly not with others. I dunno.. just some thoughts on it.
Current Mood: groggy

17th August 2004

centeruniverse8:11am: Books
So...I just finished reading a book that I thought other people might have read or be interested in reading. It's called The Ethical Slut, and mainly deals with polyamory (having multiple simultaneous partners), but is also a good reference in simple "how to have relationships with other people".

I thought it was well-written, thoughtful, and full of very good ideas. I don't know if I will eventually decide to be polyamorist or not, but I do support that lifestyle for who ever decides that they want to live that way. I also think that, after homosexuality becomes as accepted as different ethnicities are now, polyamory will be the new front battle of civil rights.

One thing that my experiences in discovering my sexuality drummed into my brain is that it's always a good idea to know the truth about all of your options...even the ones you automatically reject for one reason or another. If only for that reason, I would recommend that all of you read this book, which is one of the first things I've seen that is positive-poly. Perhaps it will strike a chord with you, and you'll find out something about yourself you never thought about before. Or maybe you'll just become more firm in your desire to be monogamous once you find a life partner. Or maybe it'll just give you something to think about. Any way you look at it, I think this is a good idea for everyone.

Also on everyone's reading list should be Speaking Dreams by Severna Park. It's a sci-fi book with an interesting plot and a lesbian love interest. I liked it (as did many other people, I think it earned a Lambda Literary Award). And, obviously, I recommend it.

Anyway, that's all I'm going to list now...if you want more book ideas, let me know and I'll try to find them.
Current Mood: contemplative

15th August 2004

kiwithealmighty9:49pm: THE CRAZY WORLD OF LUV
Does any one know the DEFINITION of love?? Its value, basis for comparisson, or any thing at all concerning the subject... IM confuz3d n33d 477en7i0n 9aid 70 7hi5 5ubj3c7!!
Current Mood: blah
centeruniverse12:59am: So...I really think I should do this too...
...because really, you'd think the mod of this community would have had the balls (or female equivalent) to go first.

That being said, most of you do, in fact, know me already. So a lot of what I say will be...repetition, or perhaps clarification, which can indeed be a good thing.


My name (in real life when I'm not playing God...although I do that anyway...) is Elisabeth. I'm a 20-year old, bisexual female. A true "50/50" in fact, in that I do not find one gender more attractive than the other physically. I tended to like how guys thought more, but that was back when I was assuming that they did so. Now I'm not so sure anyone thinks on this whole rotten planet but me and a few of my close friends.

Sorry, I'm having a bad night (week, month...yeah, just about a month). Usually I'm a much more upbeat-type person.

Anyway, to continue: I'm recently single, and currently considering both never dating again and polyamory. Yes, that seems like a paradox. If you want me to try to explain, feel free to ask.

I'm a student at the University of Washington, studying for a degree in Chemistry and possibly Chemical Engineering. Yes, there's a lot of overlap. That's why I think it's a good idea.

I sing in a gay/straight alliance youth chorus named Diverse Harmony. I'm a first soprano, which means I can hit the notes above the staff. And I'm damn proud of it, too. I would like a solo, although I never seem to get one.

Currently, I am sick. Mild fever, slight sore throat. In fact, my biggest complaint is that the part of my throat that I can see seems to be growing tentacles. It looks disgusting. I hope it goes away before I get worried enough to risk going to a doctor (who could tell me that it is, indeed, life-ending...although right now that doesn't sound too bad [ref. "recently single" above]).

I'm about to move into the third apartment that I'm planning to live in on my own (the second one actually contained the ex-boyfriend I'm so torn up over, but I was not planning to move in with him until almost after it happened). I would rather have roommates, but I can't find anyone I would want to live with who wants to live with me. And I refuse to live with someone who doesn't fit that criteria. I'm picky like that.

You know, I just realized this is all probably more than any of you wanted or needed for an intro entry. So I'm going to stop. Comment if you want more (or if you wanted less, but be nice about that...).
Current Mood: sick

14th August 2004

lady_phoenixice3:29pm: all about me
I am 20 years old, pagan (druid), bisexual, in a loving monagamous relationship with a man (which may or may not become poly in the future). I'm into some light bdsm... but am still exploring that side of my sexuality/personality... and having SO much fun in the process :-P

I'm really not "normal" by any means... and i don't want to be. i think that being true to yourself, is finding what makes you happy and exploiting it for all it's worth, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone.
lady_phoenixice3:28pm: cute but psycho
you are the cute but psycho happy bunny. You
adorable, but a little out there. It's alright,
you might not have it all, but there are worse

which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Sorry~ i didn't understand at first :-P
misery_chick10:45am: Please allow me to introduce myself...
Hallo everyone!
I guess what Kiwi started here was a good idea. So here I go:

I'm a het girl of 23, I have a boyfriend whom I really love and I live all by myself in Bochum, Germany. I try to study in order to become a lower secondary school teacher, but I fail miserably one exam after the other (well, it's not that bad, but I'm kind of stuck at the moment.) I like doing all the stuff that somebody might enjoy: going out with friends, sleeping (yeah, I like that a lot), watching movies, spending time with my boyfriend... you know the stuff.

I'm ill at the moment. I think I'm a little feverish, my throat is so sore, and my head bumps... so that's it at the moment. Made me a tea and will go back to bed soon.
Current Mood: sick

13th August 2004

kiwithealmighty4:40pm: BOOOO
I am a monster in da closet and i pop out and say hello to the world... " Hello" Then i scamper away looking for cheetos. :-) Hi every one (all like 5 or six of us) This community will kick ass when we get peeps. ANYWAY I am a bisexual male (very rare breed) A Pagan, A liberl Democrat (fu*k Bush), a musician, and an AVID cheetos fan. More to come later this was the meet and greet

~ Kiwi
Current Mood: crazy

12th August 2004

misery_chick11:25am: Ok, as I don't want centeruniverse to be all alone in this, here is my "funny bunny" quiz result

Behind a cutCollapse )

I hope I wasn't supposed to post my results in a comment only... Usually I hate when all people post their results into a community... But as we're not so many members yet there should be not problem :-)
Current Mood: relieved
centeruniverse12:53am: We will not be doing this often...
...in fact, I want to discourage you all from doing this on a regular basis, and if you feel you must (because it's either really funny or really true...) then please use the much under-appreciated LJ cut.

That being said, I thought this would be a nice, fun, easy way to break the ice, as I still seem to be the only person posting here (although at my count, we had a grand total of 5 members...that's 400% more than we had just two days ago!). If you'd like to post your own results...well, I'm encouraging you to do so (just this once, and only sparingly thereafter). Or, if you'd rather post something personal and problematic, that's probably more appropriate anyway.

I hope you all have heard about the Happy Bunnies...Collapse )

So...in conclusion, feel free to comment on this, or post something (anything!) of your own. I don't want this to be my community, I want this to be our community (however corny that may sound...).
Current Mood: awake

9th August 2004

centeruniverse2:17pm: An explanation
Since I seem to be alone in here, I'll post again, just so it looks like there's more activity. Plus, I think a lot of people probably want the name of this community explained.

Closet monsters is a name that came to me while I was at the GALA (that's Gay And Lesbian Association, for those of you who don't know) choir festival. I was in an audience, and I started thinking: Why are queer people so feared by the mainstream community? I mean, it's not like we attack anyone, we don't tell anyone that they're wrong (well...that's a different issue, and it largely happens within the community...), we just want to love different types of people or be different types of people. And that's when I realized something that's either quite profound or quite stupid.

Queers come out of the closet.

And, when you think about it, there's only one other being that comes out of the closet: monsters. So perhaps this fear of queers is simply a deep-seated unconsious childhood fear about things that come out of closets. By "coming out of the closet" we tie ourselves to the most horrific, frightening thing that people experience in their early lives.

And, as soon as I realized that, I also realized that the "closet" metaphor will never go away. It's too entrenched and much too convenient to explain a very difficult situation.

So...with that in mind, I decided that the best way to fix the situation was to create a community...of Closet Monsters. Beings who had been in a closet at one point, perhaps were still in the closet, but who were also people. Instead of rejecting the monster association, we would stress it, if only to juxtapose the truth against the horrible misconceptions. Maybe in forcing people to realize their unconcious associations, we could also force them to drop those associations.

And, if all that fails, at least it should be a good place for a bunch of queer and queer friendly people to get together and talk to each other.

That is, of course, if anybody but me actually joins. Because otherwise it's just me, talking to myself. And as entertaining as I find that...well, just join, okay?
Current Mood: amused
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